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Why?

Is an ugly woman better off than an ugly man?

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I’m always thinking, “Why?” I like to joke that I’ll be the one in heaven trailing around after God, asking, “Why did You do this or that THAT way, God?” (With Him getting pretty annoyed with me quite quickly… and pawning me off on some harrassed underling.) 

Pretty delusional to think I would merit any one on one time with the Great Almighty in the first place – or even merit the attention of an underling… but that’s all part of my overall need to ask, “Why?”

Today’s question is “Why would someone, born “male”, CHOOSE to become a homely woman?”

I’ve occasionally encountered folks who, for whatever reason, feel like they’re needing to “fix” the gender they were initially assigned. No personal feelings about this either way. But I guess this question shows how little I understand what gender identity means. I am “me”and that doesn’t seem to need any kind of quantifying. There are things that I like and things that I don’t – some I have control over and a lot more that seem like I don’t.
I decided a loooong time ago that physical beauty is one thing that will never be achieved by the body I have been given. There are pieces and parts I am quite pleased with (my brain is the best… except when it isn’t!), but vanity isn’t even possible.

All I could ever hope to achieve is “cute” (Never beautiful or even handsome – trust me!) 

Paul G, who sat behind me in 5th grade in EVERY class (curse you, alphabetic seating!!!) even Nick-Named me “Ugly” at the beginning of the year. I didnt even attempt to dispute it. We had recently moved to town, I was overweight, I wore thick glasses, had crooked teeth, and a whole lot of pimples due to early puberty… and was (& still am) painfully shy… the cool kids in the class also enjoyed making me the butt of many taunts.
Should I mention that I hated Middle School.

Am I evil for being secretly pleased when I learned he got killed in an accident shortly after graduation… and secretly hope he’s burning in hell with “Ugly” tattooed on his forehead?

Would I be happier with my physical self, if I were “male”? Probably not. 

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Hallmark, You Have Failed Me

Alas, you seem to have no cards that can properly express, “Happy Birthday, You Ungrateful Bitch”.

It’s gonna be a loooong day. Oh, well. All in all, I guess I did the best I could. Perfectionism rears it’s ugly head in parenting, too. 

What if I’d fought just a little harder to express that the medicine they gave me for the pain was making me hallucinate that they had to remove your head to get you out of me? 
What if I didn’t cry for hours because the milk from my body was causing your tiny little body to turn yellow with poisonous bilirubin. And later, crying as I diligently pumped that same milk out every 4 hours and threw it down the sink, and gave you a bottle full of foul smelling soy crap… to give you a break for a few days. 

And later, as depression settled in, what if I found the words to break through to them that I needed Help, not their words, “C-section is such an easy surgery to recover from.” Or “Aren’t you glad you have a healthy baby?” 

What if you’d had a normal Mommy, not the one who was terrified that you, the most precious thing in the universe, could be harmed or taken away in a moment, because the world always seemed to work that way.

Happy Birthday

#PPDSucks